nearly time to write another novel!

18th october- we are approaching national novel writing month-
i hope my latop is up for it- i think my laptop has seen the best of it's days and now it's kinda like a cross between my mother and my daughter- and our interactions-
wooooo nelly.
not that my laptop is named nelly or even has a name-
it seems like when we started naming objects the objects started mafunctioning so i have stopped that process-
car - no name-
no name for anything that doesnt have legs-
i wonder why talula doesnt like to name things?
she has never been a namer-
its kinda cool of her as i guess she holds no power in a word even a word as a name-
she often wants to change people's names -
or tiggy's name-
and then again she is rather attached to being talula it would seem .
i dont know.
it is 720 i have had weird sleep that felt more like waking dreaming.
sleeping with socks on isnt sleep i need to figure something else out to hold my umboshi plum polstice on my heel as socks two nights and both nights ahhh wake sleep wake tweiddle thumsb wake sleep wake..
loading more pics into facebook-
doubling as a chance for me to edit things for thendaramariekida.com
whixh is my daily exercise in web making and playing and such and such-
it is my place to share with the world if the world is interested with out having the face to face interaction to either lubricate the pointlesness of it or to stand up for it- it is what it is- and anyone who knows me knows how much i hate art crittiques and the overdiscussion of what is in most cases a pile of toss.
i have never unbdertsood how people can find inspiration for anything withen that same thing- so to me studying art was mpt the thing to inspire actual art making - because it was so sanitizing once the discussion kicked in but to go outside the subject matter in question to look to say science for inspiration- i mean great artists seriously inspired by the redundancy of the stduy of art ?
same with yoga-
i find tasks as driving and gardeing where my yoga inspiration comes from not reading so and so's interpretation of the sutras-
i guess theres people who like to be told whats what and i rather leanr or become intuitively aware of what i feel is the truth- i gues i dont much trust public opinions not trust majority rules etc.
so anyhoooo...
yesterday jack the black german shepad up the alley who has gone for tiggy in the past well he went for tiggy again biting him luckily not breaking skin- tim managed to pin him down as tiggy ran back into the house scared as shit. of course this is during our dinner with friendskary and katherine who we have tried to have over for a dinner but everytime we have something shitty has come up-
so this time at least they got to our house and ate with us before the shitty turned up!
so caled animal control- lovely lady came who was already dealing with jack's case since he had attacked theo over the road about a month ago-
did him 200 dollars worth of vets bills damage and i havent seen him since-
that dog wandeers around too though so dont let you fucking dogs wander if you love em- i mean really wandering dogs either gonna get into trouble or interacted by something troublesome ...
ok must eject a cd and cant do it without quitting out of this...more to comex

rainy weds morning

awoken to the sound of what i was suspecting to be amazon delivering my groceries at about 7:05 am , and i was right - multi coloured bins stacked enough outside my front door that i could actually get out to get them- not like when the fed ex man delivered the cheap ass metal bed frame i ordered to boost tim's folks up for their stay and he leant it against the fron door- so when i opened it from the inside it feel on my face.
so since the rian began the wifi has been kinda messed up in my house?
i know the heat did it in as well a bit-
need to look into weather and it's affects on wifi.
anybody?
so i am meant to take my wee ones over to me parents for joint dog walking fun.
if the rain isnt too crazy- as at least over here i can get into forest of carkeek and somewhat avoid heavier rains a tumbling.
joys of a halloweeen inviation when one is glad to already have plans?!
yes halloween uh well first off its a saturday and second off its when all the hoods are having their locally oriented halloween trick or treat by shop front- no ones goes house to house here -
and i guess its better that way- so saturday will inevitably be running all over ballard, fremont, greenwood....
so i need to connect with a woman who i am trying to work for to book a trial class- so i go in a teach a shortened class i think or is it of regular length?
i dunno i need details... its in bothell which i am a little concerned about but not too much if i can get it booked into correct day and time and kid being watched etc...
as i want to earn money and not lose it so thinking maybe thursdays - late afternoon?
so amazon ordering by internets-
well internets always fail me when i am ordering things esp things like groceries- whihc i did at about 5:50am-
out of way at an out of the way time. nice.
as far as their range goes not that impressed by what was on offer.
but hell i got free delivery and 25 percent off...
will try anything once...
aside from maybe skydiving or in fact jumping off anything overly high -
not becaue of fear but more likely becxause i would become obsessed with it and i really dont want to deal with thta as a new hobby - too much.
i like me rockhoudning at the moment thanks.

dreams can come true- but can i please pick and choose which ones?

ok so you know how you have those awe inspiring dreams about people? maybe that leads post dream to feelings of say having a big crush or slight infatuation?

only slight mind - nothing like you need to follow this person in everyway or become say a stalker or anything but slightly though provoking on someone who possibly never even struck your fancy or maybe you even find slightly icky.

ok so having prefaced that with this i will go on.

so last nights dream featured , wait for it, its a good one, specially considering i really do not like this person and well i think their singing is like a cat being anally probed and tortured - so her it is : Neil Young, yes every ones american hero neil fucking young.

so this is where this blog completely degreades from information regarding my family to lack of infomation regarding me- thendara .

i have been putting on this momma face for awhile and well aside fromm all the lovelinmess of talula there is the loviness of me- although once one has a child they kinda feel well they kinda feel like DIRT about themselves if they dare occupy a moment of time desired by theuir child for themselves.

so another new day and on this day i matter to me if no one else.

but that is another story and this story is about neil young so lets deviate back to there- and i will deviate to another blog from this one so that i can have a blog for every possible side of life- because life doesnt seem to like it if it's just one big open fun fest things need to be compartmentalized ....the adventure thoughts and the thoughts that turn everything into tragic comedy oh my gosh DEVIATION.

i am unleashing the thoughts though as my brain does the family thoughts mix with the yoga thoughts and the art thoughts become interlaced with the yoga thoughts and the people thoughts dominated by yoga thoughts and well then there's the crazy thoughts...the thoughts i guess i love but cant so much broadcast as a yoga instructor or a mum- but bully to that i love them sometimes more then the other thoughts and well to ignore them- well it kinda depresses me, to be who i think i should be- that really is frustrating and unhappy making so i am not going to try to be anyone - i will be me and sometimes that will be wroung but i am hoping at the end of the day it will be better for me and hence everyone else?t

so i am at this event- it's something musical possibly something to do with MTV.

I am wearing this flowing skirt thats slightly impish and most tragically homeless- a skirt that IS in my wardrobe and may actually get the boot- do i boot it or take it on as my number one fashion accessary? well in the dream i am trying to keep it up and it keeps slipping down meanwhile i have found a much younger neil young then the one that is here with us in 2009

(at least i am not fiending for coffin dodgers just yet.)

so theres some on and off kissing and nothing rated R but od i woke up with this feeling of being loved and appreciated for who i am that wasnt with me when i went to sleep -

it wasnt given to me in saying good night to talula or tim's automatic last kiss before passing out - it wasnt from anything i said to myself in my own head before falling asleep or any attempt at lucide dreaming. it was neil young and he didnt leave my side in my dream he was so charming and in the dream he was ok with me going and being me and coming back.

i guess maybe theres these times in life where i want to leave and it does feel if i allow myself to stray maybe i will leave-

i am not necessarily a fan of being needed- i mean we all want to be needed right BUT i guess when the ball swaps to the other hand and you need to need someone i always feel the ball gets dropped?

and i also admit i love to burn bridges-

if there is something that feels false and its attached to me say when i had the over a month descrepancy with larry my father-

well i really wanted to burn that bridge the contact points of the bridge its connection to me and from me hurt so badly i wanted them disconnected.

i dont like bridges there all availalable even if the places they lead to have been destroyed-

make sense?

i dont want to go where there is nothing or i am no longer required or wanted and in a lot of cases those feelings are a two way street.

i have been trying to verbalize something to tim and i guess this is what it is so thank you neil young thank you for comforting me in my dream and making it ok to be well ok to be me again.

thank you for your acceptance and i am thinking as i write this if this was written replacing neil young with jesus it woulkkd have such a different edge to it no?

ick.

but neil was tender there was no sex just arms around backs and those little things you lose as a relationship developes or as children are had and they begin to destroy the bond that was initially there and i will tell you right now children are a dsitraction and yes they have their purpose but for fucks sake this mental olympics applying the word mother to myself and what that has done over the past four years thinking on and off a mother doesnt do this a mother cant be seen to feel this well fuck it first and foremost i am me and that is crazy - thrill seeking creative thinking body bendy making - this person still here after a kid still here after moving back and forth across the atlantic three times across america what now four times-

and i did it mostly on my own i am here i am strong and no child will again make me think of who i should be - i will now bask in who i am and initiated by dreamy neil.

i will no longer automatically apply the word catterwalling to you-

i guess music has always been a religion to me-

i wasnt raised with it - i havent attached to it i dont see yoga as religion it can be but it really isnt for me.

music is the closest thing i have.

and on that note thanks again neil.

tomorrow i will mention the support the dog whisperer brought i saturday nights dream.xxx

thursday and the chill that came along

ok so i dont get excited about autumn nor winter.

but if it's coming andone must find excitment in something that is ahead rather nearer then farer well i will get excited by national novel writing month- it comes again- i think this will be my 6th year writing a novel in november?

anyways what a great exercise for brain - take that brain take that.

much better excercise then one line quips on facebook - thats right facebook i am fallen from love with yourself and wont be spending much time with you because it kills my brain kills it.

so we shall set you aside well we regenerate thoughts and amorphous ideas that can become my own internal realities because this is me-

i live in life and head and all over the bloody place i may be living like a barnicle on your back- quietly not that you would notice as i dont really want to be noticed - i just want to fascinate and view.

yes.

the universe is against my coffee making i see-

we got gifted an espresso machine it came here a week ag0-

it is now making crema free cold coffee- which is not what one thinks of when one thinks of espresso-

i like a thick crema- i like it hot and ready to possibly envelope honey if i need it sweet.

this is like dirty dishwater-

this is ice cold and not at all satisfactory-

so is the universe telling me to stop drinking the muck?

possibly.

i cant go out and invest in a new machine-

times are fiscally tight and layoffs coming to tims work.

mid oct- the 14th to be precise-

we are both looking for work.

i am hoping no matter what to pick up some more classes-

had some class barter potential but it went flakey.

so resume is updated and tim is formatting for me-

i havent done a resume in over a decade- i have updated my cv - but cv s are different from resumes- and i dont know the difference at this point aside from cv is what i have come to know as an adult maker of bullocks on paper.

words printed on a sheet of A4 -

one could say anything couldnt they?

i wonder what on average of most people's resumes is a stretch in truth?

mine isnt stretched anymore-

maybe it should be - theres the past four years of mother hood which i could transfer into say a lion tamer? seems fairly similar in my mind anyhow?

so talula still has a cough - we are going on two weeks?

or is it three? doctor next week-

although i may email them today-

it isnt that worriesome aside from the fact it has been here for that length of time- it is not constant - maybe there are twenty coughs a day and that is an over estimate rather then an under.

raspy though - rather raspy.

happy october first - not so happy mortgage payment day - although it makes me happier to pay mortgage then to pay selfish greedy landlord fund-

bite me landlords and landladies bite me hard and be ready for me to sue your ass when you do especially if you break the skin.

so go ahead and bite me.

and i will sue you pants off.

and my website? well its full of loops and dead ends and there willl be more to come- it is meant to be an exploration in stream of conciousness in webwork-

of course you show someone like my father it and well he cant understand why i wouldnt want to standardize the pages for ease of updating and making it more streamlined blah blah well thats if he even gets off the first page-

not one for website as art project or something to spend time exploring but more the person who wants to effieciently understand the point of it-

the point is there is no point.

as in life - we make out own points and place our emphasis where we find it to be - or hopefully we live this way - hopefully we arent taking other peoples words for things-

as too many probably do-

i have never really believed words and claims that have been told me but have needed to live these prooofs for them to be indeed truths in my own life-

and the bets lessons i have learned have neevr been in schools-

schools are great for repeating what people want to beleive the popular "truths" which are not really truths but views that perhaps are too good to be true-

school taught me nothing - the world has taught me evrything

so i often wonder what all those friends of mine have learned - the ones who have been studying since highschool the ones who surround themselevs inn continuous university?

what do they believe - and do they need their truths to be real or are they happy with someone telling them stuff?

and to say this isnt to say i beolieve everyone can learn from life i dont-

i learn best this way- and just because it isnt true for you doesnt mean it isnt true for me too.

i say these things not aloud- not aloud beause everyone wants a debate dont they- especially people 30 and above- are all too ready to prove there reasoning is correct to not allow for others to believe something completely different - i can judge you but how dare you try and even doubt me- this is what i find -

like right winged bastards who want to impose and infringe-

say for instance the militant yogis-

you need yoga - you must do yoga - it will heal the world-

not if one doesnt belive and who is to say that your yoga is my yoga?

who is to say that attaching a word such as yogi to ones name changes anything-

the world befuddles me-

i thought we grew as adults not that we grew into some predesitined shape that never alolowed us to see things that didnt aling with already caste judgements- but the more i look thje more i see this- and why am i wrtiting all this i wanted to espress my love for central and eastern washington this morning ?

what the hell!

xxx