dreams can come true- but can i please pick and choose which ones?

ok so you know how you have those awe inspiring dreams about people? maybe that leads post dream to feelings of say having a big crush or slight infatuation?

only slight mind - nothing like you need to follow this person in everyway or become say a stalker or anything but slightly though provoking on someone who possibly never even struck your fancy or maybe you even find slightly icky.

ok so having prefaced that with this i will go on.

so last nights dream featured , wait for it, its a good one, specially considering i really do not like this person and well i think their singing is like a cat being anally probed and tortured - so her it is : Neil Young, yes every ones american hero neil fucking young.

so this is where this blog completely degreades from information regarding my family to lack of infomation regarding me- thendara .

i have been putting on this momma face for awhile and well aside fromm all the lovelinmess of talula there is the loviness of me- although once one has a child they kinda feel well they kinda feel like DIRT about themselves if they dare occupy a moment of time desired by theuir child for themselves.

so another new day and on this day i matter to me if no one else.

but that is another story and this story is about neil young so lets deviate back to there- and i will deviate to another blog from this one so that i can have a blog for every possible side of life- because life doesnt seem to like it if it's just one big open fun fest things need to be compartmentalized ....the adventure thoughts and the thoughts that turn everything into tragic comedy oh my gosh DEVIATION.

i am unleashing the thoughts though as my brain does the family thoughts mix with the yoga thoughts and the art thoughts become interlaced with the yoga thoughts and the people thoughts dominated by yoga thoughts and well then there's the crazy thoughts...the thoughts i guess i love but cant so much broadcast as a yoga instructor or a mum- but bully to that i love them sometimes more then the other thoughts and well to ignore them- well it kinda depresses me, to be who i think i should be- that really is frustrating and unhappy making so i am not going to try to be anyone - i will be me and sometimes that will be wroung but i am hoping at the end of the day it will be better for me and hence everyone else?t

so i am at this event- it's something musical possibly something to do with MTV.

I am wearing this flowing skirt thats slightly impish and most tragically homeless- a skirt that IS in my wardrobe and may actually get the boot- do i boot it or take it on as my number one fashion accessary? well in the dream i am trying to keep it up and it keeps slipping down meanwhile i have found a much younger neil young then the one that is here with us in 2009

(at least i am not fiending for coffin dodgers just yet.)

so theres some on and off kissing and nothing rated R but od i woke up with this feeling of being loved and appreciated for who i am that wasnt with me when i went to sleep -

it wasnt given to me in saying good night to talula or tim's automatic last kiss before passing out - it wasnt from anything i said to myself in my own head before falling asleep or any attempt at lucide dreaming. it was neil young and he didnt leave my side in my dream he was so charming and in the dream he was ok with me going and being me and coming back.

i guess maybe theres these times in life where i want to leave and it does feel if i allow myself to stray maybe i will leave-

i am not necessarily a fan of being needed- i mean we all want to be needed right BUT i guess when the ball swaps to the other hand and you need to need someone i always feel the ball gets dropped?

and i also admit i love to burn bridges-

if there is something that feels false and its attached to me say when i had the over a month descrepancy with larry my father-

well i really wanted to burn that bridge the contact points of the bridge its connection to me and from me hurt so badly i wanted them disconnected.

i dont like bridges there all availalable even if the places they lead to have been destroyed-

make sense?

i dont want to go where there is nothing or i am no longer required or wanted and in a lot of cases those feelings are a two way street.

i have been trying to verbalize something to tim and i guess this is what it is so thank you neil young thank you for comforting me in my dream and making it ok to be well ok to be me again.

thank you for your acceptance and i am thinking as i write this if this was written replacing neil young with jesus it woulkkd have such a different edge to it no?

ick.

but neil was tender there was no sex just arms around backs and those little things you lose as a relationship developes or as children are had and they begin to destroy the bond that was initially there and i will tell you right now children are a dsitraction and yes they have their purpose but for fucks sake this mental olympics applying the word mother to myself and what that has done over the past four years thinking on and off a mother doesnt do this a mother cant be seen to feel this well fuck it first and foremost i am me and that is crazy - thrill seeking creative thinking body bendy making - this person still here after a kid still here after moving back and forth across the atlantic three times across america what now four times-

and i did it mostly on my own i am here i am strong and no child will again make me think of who i should be - i will now bask in who i am and initiated by dreamy neil.

i will no longer automatically apply the word catterwalling to you-

i guess music has always been a religion to me-

i wasnt raised with it - i havent attached to it i dont see yoga as religion it can be but it really isnt for me.

music is the closest thing i have.

and on that note thanks again neil.

tomorrow i will mention the support the dog whisperer brought i saturday nights dream.xxx